Death Comes for Biscuit

Talking to children about death, especially when you have atheistic leanings , is never easy. You don’t want to mention Heaven, or earth for that matter. You don’t want to bring God or any master plan into play. You just want to say that they are gone and hope that’s enough to keep the questions at bay for awhile.

Recently, Phoebe would ask, “where’s your Grandma?” “Where’s your Grandpa?” She’d ask me or my parents and we would typically just say, “They are gone now.” One of her babysitters, Siobhan told Phoebe that her dog had died. Phoebe translated that conversation to me by saying, “Siobhan’s dog dived.” “Like under the water?” I asked. And she confidently nodded, yes. So we left it at that. To die or to dive, seemed about the same for the moment. Then her class hamster, the beloved Biscuit, took a dive. Phoebe was sent home with a note for the parents along with an article on how to speak to your children about death. The article said, “The most difficult part is examining your own feelings and beliefs so you can talk about them naturally with your children when the opportunities arise.” Growing up in a secular household, I remember being fascinated by death. I knew I had Catholic friends who believed in Heaven, and I was almost jealous of their certainty. Being an Atheist means embracing the unknown. I once heard death described as a “Secret” that you can’t know the answer to until you get there. Phoebe did not seem to want to know more about what happened to Biscuit. She seemed to like saying the word ‘dead’ and knowing that it meant ‘gone.’ Should she ask again sometime, maybe I’ll say that Biscuit now knows the secret of death. At this moment, I just feel grateful that the very first experience she has had with loss was a hamster. When the time comes for us to lose someone special to us, she will have had an the gentlest possible introduction to one of the hardest things we face as humans. Biscuit, thanks for teaching my girl this difficult lesson, rest in peace little friend.

Culture Kids

We started young. And then it became a habit, or maybe you could say, an addiction. I can still remember the first shows Carol & I went to see when we were kids. We saw Shenandoah and Raisin in the Sun. We had special trips into the city, usually with our Moms, to see and experience Broadway.

The show we took Phoebe and Sammie to see last Saturday wasn’t exactly Broadway, but for kids of the toddler set, Knuffle Bunny has become the new favorite. The writer, Mo Willems is a modern day Dr. Seuss. He turned his popular book into a musical aimed at the 2-6 age group and the kids just loved it.

Phoebe has been to a few shows before this one, Freckle Face Strawberry, also from a book, the Gazillion Bubble Show, a kids version of the Nutcracker and a multi-media Butterfly show. Each time, I just love watching her eyes open up to the sights and sounds of the stage. I hope she will become a life-long lover of the arts as we are. I can’t imagine a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon with my favorite girls.

Phoebe on Ice

This weekend was a first for Phoebe. We had decided to use the long holiday weekend to go up to the house in Vermont. Plans had been made with various friends and their children, but all had fallen through leaving us blissfully alone. A happy threesome. The weekend was a snowy one. We watched most of it through the big windows of the house, content to do very little and just enjoy our change of scenery. On Sunday, we decided to venture out and give ice-skating a try. I wasn’t sure if a three year old would be able to stay upright on the ice, but Phoebe had an amazing first outing. The Riley Rink of Manchester, Vermont is equipped with sliding metal hand-rails that allow little kids to find their feet while learning to skate. The first go around the ice, Phoebe was being helped along by Mom and Dad, but was constantly looking around at the bigger kids doing it all by themselves. We talked to one girl who stopped near us. “How old are you?” we asked. “7” she said with a missing tooth smile. “See Phoebe,” I said, “You’ll be skating like that when you are 7.” Not satisfied with waiting that long, Phoebe soon abandoned the hand-rail and would only skate holding our hands. I was so impressed by her determination to figure this new sport out on the very first try. The whole outing didn’t last very long, but by the end, Phoebe could walk off the ice balancing on her skates. Coming soon: Skating in New York City before the ice melts.

Tet Celebration 4.0

The Vietnamese New Year 2011 is the year of the Cat. Unlike the Chinese who are celebrating the Rabbit this year, the stealth and cozy cat is the perfect mascot for our yearly gathering to honor Phoebe’s Vietnamese heritage. We had Josephine & Steve with their 6 month old daughter, Simone, Diana and her two girls, Liana and Julia, Carol and Sammie and Grandma Lynn and Jonfer to round out the family festivities. Bagels and lox were on the menu (to honor our Jewish heritage too) and all the girls played well in Phoebe’s big new room. We had a lot of discussion beforehand about sharing and taking turns with all the toys. Sharing is certainly the challenge of this age group. Phoebe seemed to understand that all the toys and dolls and crayons would still be hers at the end of the day when everyone went home. Much to our delight, she was an excellent host and did really well the whole day. It felt like a turning point for our little person.

It’s hard to believe that it was only 3 years ago that we were spending Vietnamese New Year in Vietnam picking up our little girl and trying to get her back to NYC. Time really does move quickly, making each celebration one to cherish. Now that I am back at work, I miss being the one to spend every day with Phoebe. It’s been a tough transition for both of us. I miss her face all day long, but try to remember how lucky I have been to have these three years at home with her. Every day, just me & Phee. Now it’s time for us to both get used to a new routine. I guess Mommy & Phoebe are both growing up.

Mom, Dad Switcheroo

It’s a strange world when I find myself working at DraftFCB and Jeff is home taking care of Phoebe. I am in his workplace and he is in mine. We’re in bizzarro world right now. As far as childcare goes, I could not ask for better coverage. Phoebe gets to be with her Dad every day. They play, they draw, spontaneous puppet shows happen, as well as fun mustache projects (seen here). Not to mention the fact that he is a wonderful cook, caretaker and domestic god. I have often mused that Jeff could teach a course for men on how to rule their domestic sphere as much as they rule their workplace. I’ve never been a particularly good morning person, always staying in bed until the last possible moment, but these days, my man makes sure I don’t miss the alarm, makes an excellent cup of coffee and reminds me to take my vitamins.

This job is only a freelance assignment for now, but it is giving me a taste of what it would be like to get back into the working world. I don’t like leaving Phoebe in the morning and she’s not too keen on it either. The transition is a touchy one for both of us. I miss having the time to lounge around with her in the morning. I miss taking her to school and being the one to see the teachers and her friends. I found a yoga class that meets near her school I managed to get to a few times. That’s history now. But working also means time to do other things being with a child does not allow- like updating the blog I’ve nearly abandoned in the past few months.

In my dreams, I hoped that Jeff’s last job was going to be a new beginning for him and I would be able to stay with Phoebe until she started kindergarten. Now I’m sitting at a desk looking at a computer screen and he’s sliding up next to Phoebe’s desk, drawing her fantastical pictures in crayon. Perhaps he’ll be back at work in no time and this will be just a moment in time where he gets to enjoy his daughter. Perhaps this freelance job will end and I’ll be back with the Mommies at school pick-up. Life is strange and wondrous and I must remind myself that the only constant is change.

The Octogenarian Club

Grampy’s 80th birthday celebration was a wonder to behold. Who knew that 80 could be so fabulous? To look around the room, it was hard to imagine that all of my parent’s contemporaries are doing so well. When my Grandparents were this age, they were in steep decline; not nearly as vibrant and sharp as this crowd. Many of the people in the room had been at Bob’s 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th & 70th birthday parties. Micki made sure to make each of these occasions super special parties everyone would remember. My Mom sure knows how to throw a party. It took me to my adulthood to realize that most people could not throw a party for 50 or 100 people together in a blink of an eye. I grew up watching a master entertainer at work. And yes, I too love to host parties and have a given a few good ones in my day. I guess she passed the love of celebration onto me. This one was particularly elegant. 50 people at the Water Club overlooking the East River. Great food and accompaniment on the piano by Joel O, a lawyer who volunteers his skills at our soup kitchen on Monday nights. My brother gave a moving speech about what it was like to have a Dad like ours. I introduced a video we had made that had the room roaring with laughter. My nieces, now 12 and 15 looked beautiful and stylish in black & white. Hard to believe how they’ve grown into such gorgeous young women. It was a wonderful weekend of family and friends. A moment to remember how truly lucky we are to have each other, our health and the promise of more good days to come.

Ready for School!

Can it be that Phoebe is almost ready to go to school? It might only be pre-school and only 4 days a week for 3 hours at a time, but it seems like a big move to me. People will tell you that these early years go fast, but you don't believe them until you see it for yourself. These three years have flown by in a blur of laughter and exhaustion. I am excited for her to become part of the All Souls community. Having worked in the basement almost every Monday night for the past six years, I now get to be a part of the school upstairs. Phoebe has grown much more independent this year, able to be away from me without hardship or drama. The separation process is a delicate one, but I believe we have eased our way into it as well as we possibly could.

When she starts school, I have to start a new process of my own. After 9 years of living the off-peak life in New York city, of writing novels and doing freelance work, of traveling and having time for my girl and my family, I think the time has come to get back into the advertising industry I left after 9/11. I wanted to see if I could make a living as a writer, to see if I could publish my work and build a family at the same time. I many ways, I achieved the goals I set out for myself. I did not become the next big thing in fiction, but I got to create and craft the stories I wanted to tell and I got to experience the life of a writer outside the industry I first joined as an intern high school. Now, with my girl in school, I think it may be time for Mom to get back to work. Money dictates much of this decision, but I also have a part of me that would like to re-engage with the adult world. My industry has changed dramatically since I was in it full-time. It may take me awhile before I find the right gig, but I have decided to start looking and hope the right thing comes my way. It seems that Mommy & Phoebe are both on a path to a new adventure.