Phoebe Turns One!

August 17th, 2008– an absolutely beautiful day in New York City. My Mom and I had planned a picnic in Phoebe's honor, to be held in our local green haven- Carl Schurz Park. All week leading up to the party, we were not only hoping for sunny skies, we were also hoping that Carol, Phoebe's Godmother and TiTi would either give birth in time for me to attend my child's first birthday, or hold out until after the celebration. I had already assured Carol that this time, her child's birth would trump my child's birthday. Phoebe could have her party anytime. Her little friend, yet to be born, needed me a little more that day. I was Carol's birth partner, and was determined to be there for whatever she needed. We have been on our journey to motherhood together over these last few years. As single women, choosing this path, we have become each other's life partners- true sisters in this life we've been given.

As luck would have it, Samantha Claire would wait another 3 days to be born and we were able to have a fantastic first birthday filled with friends and food and a cloudless sky. We were also joined but some unexpected, but welcome guests. The film maker, Beth Cramer, who I had met three years earlier, was continuing her documentary on single women choosing motherhood (Plan B). She had profiled me in her first effort when I was just starting out in my quest to become a mother. Soon after we met, I became pregnant (on my very first try) and was ecstatic at my good fortune. Sadly for me, that pregnancy would not last. I became the sad story of her film, the cautionary tale of the perils of fertility after 35. When Beth called me to say she was continuing her documentary with some of the women she had met earlier, I was thrilled. Now, I had the chance to document the happy beginning of my life with Phoebe and Jeff and the rest of the people in my life. She also had a chance to talk to Carol and to Jessica. How wonderful that so many women in our lives have taken this path. It is truly a mark of our time.

So wile the cameras rolled, Phoebe was celebrated, blew out her candles, and toddled around the grass socializing with all her guests. Lots of our cousins were in attendance from Kathy, Jess & Matt to Felicia & Rob and the Rosenfields too. Of course our family is filled with 'fake' cousins too who we love and cherish- Alana, Jimmy, Beth and their kids Emily & Jonathan just back from camp in Maine (Go Green Team!), Jessica and Sam, and of course, Carol and her belly, just three days away from a whole new life. As well as Birches and Yates (our new family) and friends who give the sweetness to our lives.

It was a perfect way to start Phoebe's next year. How very lucky we both are.

Swimming, swimming

One of the great pleasures of our Summer in NYC is having a rooftop pool at our disposal just 8 blocks up the street. Thanks to Grammy and Grampy Horowitz, who had the good sense to move into a fabulous building, we have been swimming regualry and loving every minute. Phoebe especially likes it when strong friends and relatives like Jeff, Mike, Dan, Alana or Robin come along. She loves to splash and get tossed up in the air, a water baby all the way. We took a swim class in the winter at Asphalt Green, which was a great way to get started. Now we just stroll up the block and jump on in. What lucky ducks we are!

Freelance Mom

To work or not to work? Most people don't have a choice when it comes to that question. I've been lucky enough to have worked a little and saved a lot over the years of my career, allowing me the luxury of having this precious time with Phoebe. She's only going to be this little once and I'm not quite ready to miss all the amazing moments that come with the territory. But this week, thanks to Jeff, I got a meaty freelance assignment at his office on healthcare concepts for one of his brands. I worked at their Herald Square office 4 days this week. That means that for the first time ever, my (wonderful) babysitter, Antonia, spent more waking hours with Phoebe than I did. I had serious pangs handing her off in the morning to another woman as I rushed around trying to remember what it was like to be a working person. I've been un-officially "retired" from Advertising for 7 years. In that time, I have done a number of consulting jobs in digital and traditional media, not making very much money, but trying to stay in the game just enough to be able to go back someday if needed. In that time, I was hoping that one of the 4 novels I've written would get published. No such luck. I did, however, write a children's chapter book that should be published this year with the Author House, a digital publisher that prints 1 in every 4 books in America right now. Sounds good, but self-publishing was never my goal. My hope was to sustain myself as a writer of fiction. Perhaps, that day will still come. In the meantime, my coffers are dwindling and any freelance job sounds great right about now.

It was quite a treat to ride the bus into work with Jeff, to hold hands and sleep on his shoulder while I tried to find the energy to be a working person again. And though I've had freelance gigis over the past few years, this is the first as a working mother. What a trip. I am pleased to report that the work came easily and it was really fun working with Stephanie, a talented young art director on Jeff's team. Coming home at night and having about an hour or so with Phoebe gave me a vision of what it might be like to be working full time. I'm not sure I liked that vision very much. I missed her desperately and wanted to eat her up in the moments we had before I'd put her to sleep.

But today, on the last day of the working week, I was given a gift. Alana was over a for a visit and Debbie came by from next door to say hello to her favorite girl. The three of us were hanging out with Phee in her little play space. She loves to stand these days and is great at cruising and moving her self around the couch. But today, she stood in the middle of the room and took a step unaided, and another and maybe one more before our excitement made her sit down. She had a huge smile on her face as we cheered her accomplishment. (She knows she's amazing :) I got the vision that these two special "Aunts" in her life will be cheering her on through many life passages. How lucky we are to have them. I was so thrilled they were there to see her first steps with me.

So I guess both Phoebe and I are taking baby steps back into our futures. I'm not sure mine will include working again, but this little step was enough to give me a reality check of what it might feel like. I'm still processing that. All I can say is that I'm just so happy to have sen those steps. What a treat, what a milestone. There's certainly no stopping us now.

Green Mountain State of Mind

Ah Vermont.
Every time I have the good fortune to go to our family house in the Green Mountains, I feel nothing but blessed. We have had the house on French Hollow Road in Winhall, VT since 1973. Just the fact that a boy from working class Brooklyn (my Dad) (whose Russian immigrant parents might only have thought of skiing as a fast way to flee angry cossacks) thought of buying a ski house in Vermont is truly amazing. He and my mother had the vision to find a place to get us away from New York and into the country side. They weren't nature buffs, they just had a feeling that it would bring us closer as a family. With no TV, a party-line phone and lots of games to keep us entertained, we thrived there on weekends and fell in love with the place.

Our little ski house with the ten bunk beds upstairs has expanded a bit since those early days. They have renovated the house to the north, south, east and west, adding a master suite, screened porch, two car garage and a lovely new basement suite built with me Jeff and Phoebe in mind. It was there that we retreated from the city this July 4th week to spend some time away and at leisure.

We were joined by my parents, my Aunt Judy and Uncle Jerry and Jeff's son Michael. The weather was warm and the heat made us happily lazy. We didn't do a lot other than see friends and hang out and take walks on our country road. We attended a July 4th celebration at the temple and caught up with all our Vermont friends. Phoebe was a star, as always, charming everyone in her American flag dress, a true Amercian girl now on her first Independance Day holiday.

15 Year old Michael was just great with Phoebe. They seem to have a real connection. At one point in the weekend, I heard him tell a friend on the phone, "Phoebe is my little sister. Technically, practically." That just filled me with love and warmth for him. I had often wondered how Michael would process this new person in his life. I had hoped he would come to think of her as a sister, but the fact that he got there himself endears me to him even further. He is a great kid going through some hard stuff and managing it all in his own way. We are lucky to have him in our lives.

It took us a good week to get back into Phoebe's sleep groove when we returned to New York. I hadn't realized I might have to endure 'sleep training' again, but as soon as I let her cry it out a couple of nights she fell back into her good sleep habits, giving us all the rest we need too. Either way, Vermont is worth the trip every time.

Slow down, you move too fast

All of a sudden, I can feel time moving quickly. Phoebe is pulling herself up on everything in the apartment. She wants to walk so badly and it won't be long now before she does. She has two teeth now (we proudly call her Queen Two-Teefa") and more are ready to come at any moment. She is eating solid food and drinking water from a sippy cup and is beginning to know her power at how to rule our roost. The only way I can think to slow this moment down is to write about it, so when I'm onto another amazing phase, I'll be able to remember that this one existed. I'm happy to report that she is mostly sleeping through the night, which is so nice for her mother. It gives me the rest I need to run after her as she crawls/pulls/rolls herself across the apartment.

I had two "babyproofers" in this week to give me estimates. (a job that did not exist when we were children.) We grew up in a world without seat belts or helmets. One where our mothers smoked unabashedly in our faces and where safety for babies meant keeping an eye out and hoping for the best. We were lucky to have survived. These days, the babyproofers rule and for a small fee they can help your apartment turn from a snake pit into a soft-cornered, baby friendly play pen. I'm happy to sign up for the program. Anything I can do to keep my little dare devil as safe as possible. And since walking is just around the corner, I better get on it.

Gimme that old time religion

I have always had an uncomfortable relationship with religion. Especially my own. What did it mean to be a Jew in New York when I was not kosher, did not attend services and most importantly, did not believe in God as others have defined it in our culture. When I was little, I had a morbid fascination with the afterlife, imagining myself in my single bed, lying perfectly still, as if I was in a coffin six feet under. I envied my catholic friends who seemed to have it all figured out. When their Grandparents passed away, they were sure they were up in heaven dancing with the angels. Sadly, I did not buy it. I shared my confusion with my Mother, telling her I was not sure I believed there was one God looking over us all. She sagely told me that being Jewish, had nothing to do with believing in God. And for her that was true. For her, and there after, for me, being Jewish was about a shared culture and history, it was about food and family and tradition. It was about remembering that we are survivors and never forgetting that there are those in every millenium who have tried to do us harm, to wipe us off the map, to extinguish the threat we somehow pose to them.

When I was interviewed by Maureen Reichart, my social worker, for Phoebe's homestudy, she asked me what I thought Phoebe and I had in common coming from two very different cultures. I said that the Vietnamese people, very much like the Jews, had prevailed against threats from outside forces. They have never lost a war, beating the Chinese, the Mongolians, the French and the Americans. As a culture, they are survivors, just like us.

So it was with all these thoughts in my head that I decided to make Phoebe a proper Jew. I want us to share an identity. I want to be able to say, when she asks, "what are we?" that we are Jewish. I didn't want her to have to think about it any further. As far as I am concerned, she can be anything she wants in this life. (except maybe a Republican, that might break my heart :) She can follow the Buddhism of the Vietnamese people, be an Atheist, or a Hindu. But as as far as the Jewish powers that be are concerned, as of last week, she is as Jewish as an Orthodox Jew.

With the help of David Woolfe, my parents and I took Phoebe to a Mikvah in a small house on the South Shore of Long Island. I was nervous all day, and kept questioning whether I was doing the right thing. The Rabbi, Stanley Platek, welcomed us warmly and showed us into the small pool in the basement of the house. The water was warm as I carried in my daughter and listened to the Hebrew words being spoken. In three dunks and a prayer it was all over. Phoebe, who loves the water, didn't seem to mind very much at all. She stayed in my arms and didn't cry. She seemed fascinated by the people around her, as she always is, and took it all in. In less than fifteen minutes, we were done. The papers were signed, the blessings were given and Phoebe Horowitz is now a true Horowitz indeed.

A Family Affair

In the beginning of May, we took our first cross country trip out to LA to see the other half (or 2/3rds) of the Horowitz Clan.
The occasion was Chloe's Bat Mitzvah. My first niece, who was born just 2 months before I left for India was actually turning 13. As mind-bending as that is for all of us, to know Chloe is to know that she far surpassed everyone's expectations long ago.

I can't say I was thrilled to be traveling with the baby again. After the Hong Kong debacle, I was not looking forward to more plane travel. But I planned to spend ten days out there and in addition to seeing family, also made a plan to see Brooke and her family who just moved to San Diego and Stef who was going to fly in from SF. It was an ambitious plan, for sure, but I thought I'd be able to handle it all in stride. That was until I pulled my neck (maybe pinched a nerve or two) and began a long haul to recovery. It never crossed my mind to cancel the trip. I had so many people to see and so desperately wanted them all to see my gorgeous girl. Then the pain got worse, not better. It took a near intervention by Jeff, Carol and my parents to rethink my plan. It became clear that I was not going to be able to handle this 20 pound wonder on my own on a 6 hour flight. I needed help, and lots of it. Begrudgingly, and with sadness, I told my friends I was not going to make it to San Diego. (Stef had already changed her ticket twice. I felt really badly about that.) I also had to tell the family that I would be flying in for a quick visit; three days. Just enough time to see all the Bat Mitzvah activities.

I changed my ticket to fly out and back with Jeff. Honestly, without him, I have no idea how I could have done it all. I think that part of me felt I could do anything after the 20 hour trip home from Vietnam. That was until I hurt my neck. Then I needed help, and lots of it. I also needed to learn how to ask. No small task.

The weekend itself was a whirlwind of activity. Chloe was a stellar student of the Torah and made all of us very proud to be related to her. Her party was a wonder of LA style, impeccably planned and beautifully executed. Chloe honored me as someone special in her life by asking me to add a flower to her special vase. That was lovely moment. I took off my neck brace for the occasion and hugged her with abandon.

Phoebe had fun being passed around by friends and relatives. She was happy to see her Aunt Jane again and really took to Whitey too. It's so nice for me to see the bond growing between Jane and Phee. How cool it is that they will have each other in their lives.

I hope we'll be able to go back soon and spend some more time with our cousins, Aunts, Uncles and friends. Hopefully, my neck will continue to improve and soon enough I'll be back in my travelers groove.