My First Mother's Day

I can remember last Mother's Day when I had completed all my paperwork for an adoption from Vietnam, but I still seemed very, very far from becoming a mother. It was not yet my day to celebrate. Instead, Jeff and I had a lovely brunch at Cafe Luxembourg on the West side with our lovely mothers and the men they call their own. My impending motherhood hung in the air unmentioned. We were lucky enough to have our Mother's with us- and both in Manhattan at that. There was much to be grateful for. I had just completed a fundraiser for Room to Read to build a school in Vietnam in honor of that child who was yet to be born, but would someday be mine. Carol and I would soon be leaving for a sort of last hurrah trip to Istanbul and around Turkey. (Who could know it would be a last hurrah for both of us!) I was trying to be patient, trying to find a zen pathway through the halls of the waiting game. Breathe, breathe, I used to tell myself when the waiting would become unbearable. I knew it was completely out of my control. That didn't make it any easier.

Cut to 2008 and my Mother's Day was as wonderful as any I can imagine. Not only was my baby girl in my heart and in my home, she is thriving and charming everyone she meets. My day was made perfect by the people around me who helped me acknowledge what a lucky mother I really am. The day started with our favorite friend "Uncle" Dan showing up at 9am to relieve me from any Mother duties I might have. He's been helping out more since my neck went to pieces- making such a huge difference in our lives. At about 1pm, Jeff showed up with to help us stroll up to Grammy and Grampy's at the top of East End Avenue. There, we were joined by Lynn and John Birch (the other Grandparents) and Robin Rotenier and Erin Marcel. We had a yummy bagel brunch complete with cream herring and whitefish salad, lox, capers, and the always exceptional Borscht from Mom's kitchen. Phoebe rolled around on the floor and was happy to be picked up by anyone who was so inclined. She was a party champ, as always.

When we were all full to the gills, half the party went back to 180 Riverside Drive and Jeff and I strolled back home with a sleeping girl. Jeff took care of the bath, the bedtime and still had enough energy for a shoulder massage for the new (aching) Mommy. What a difference a year can make :)

It takes a Borough

The Woman who could well become our next President wrote a book famously titled, "It Takes a Village". Her premise being; a whole village raises a child. In my case, it may be a whole Borough and some of the outer boroughs too. One of the most incredible things that has happened to me since bringing Phoebe into my life is to see the amazing way people have rallied around me and this baby. The least likely people have become a part of Phoebe's inner circle. She is already blessed to have Grandparents up the block, and Aunt and Uncle across the street, an Auntie and her dog next store and a handsome guy named Jeff who answers to Dada these days. It must be said that his boyfriend skills are only exceeded by his parenting skills. He never tries to teach me anything, but I learn from him every time he's with us. (Phoebe and I are both very fond of him.)


But the surprising cadre of caring compatriots has come from the people I met volunteering at the Soup Kitchen on Monday nights. For the past three or so years, I have been spending most Monday evenings in the basement of All Souls Church (Unitarian- Love all serve all types :). I started volunteering at a low point in my life. I had spent years already trying to bring a child into my life, trying to get published, trying to live the dream of an New York writer, trying to be as successful as I had been in my earlier career in advertising. I heard a song one day whose lyrics said, "If you're feeling helpless, help someone." It's a fairly simple thought. I needed to stop wallowing in my defeats, I need to do something for someone other than myself.

The Monday night crowd is ever changing as volunteers come and go. But there is a core crew. Some work in the kitchen, cooking and prepping and washing dishes. The other group is out on the floor serving the over 200 guests who join us for a free meal. George Collins, who runs the program, is proud to tell new volunteers that we are the only Soup Kitchen in NYC that serves their meal "restaurant style" with table cloths and china and silverware. The same sets they use for Church functions. I always worked with the servers, preferring to be out on the floor chatting up the guests. There are regulars there too and over time, you get to know one another. It's a community in itself.

Many of the people who volunteered at the fundraiser to build Phoebe's school in Vietnam were from the serving crowd. These are people who are happy to put their hand up for a good cause, and they often do. Last Summer some of the Kitchen staff planned a picnic and invited some of the regulars from the Serving crew. Only 3 of us went, but it was the beginning of getting to know the Kitchen folk. Many of them have been friends for years and are well integrated into each other lives. They attend each others birthdays and charity functions and other events. They were all so excited for me when I revealed that I was adopting a baby from Vietnam. They became my cheerleaders. In fact, many people from inside and out of the kitchen at All Souls said they followed my blog when I was away and told others to read it too. Suddenly, there was this wave of good energy coming my way from people I had really only just gotten to know.

It was there I met Dan (a kitchen guy) and Candice (a server gal) , who have become two of Phoebe's favorite people. They offer their time to us and relieve this single mom for a precious few hours or an evening. Jessica and Priscilla have come by too and Annie who stopped by one Sunday after Church. The gratitude I feel towards these people cannot be measured- certainly not by conventional means. In the last couple of weeks, I had a stomach bug and two pinched nerves in my neck. It is the single scariest thing as a new mom and a single mom, to be sick when you have a new baby. No matter how much help you have, in the end of the day this little person only has you to count on and you want to be as healthy as you can be. You want to be there for her. But when life eventually gets the best of you and your digestive system, you have to learn how to ask for help. I'm learning. These amazing people in my life make it easier, but it is still hard to ask. You don't want to impose, ask too much, be too needy...

I do feel fortunate that Phoebe is such a good, socially adorable being. She is fun to be around. She's so responsive. You get back as much as you give. It helps us in the babysitting department :)

I have been lucky to also find a wonderful part-time babysitter who gives me some help during the week. Antonia is smart and engaging and Phoebe loves her. I have already seen a few caregivers come and go and I know that it is always fluid when it comes to hiring help, but right now, we are starting to find our groove. Phoebe is teething these days, but she is sleeping better than ever. I'm sleeping more too and realizing I have a network of people to help me raise this beauty. I may even get back to my writing and posting more often. Slowly, slowly, it feels like I'm getting the hang of this child raising thing. But yes, It takes a borough, indeed.

Phoeb-a-licious

Candice, one of Phoebe's many admirers, was over today hanging out and giving me a much needed break. (My baby sitter flaked again, but child care issues are another post, another day...) When I got back, she said to me, "Phoebe has a hundred different kinds of smiles"

and boy, is that true. People often ask me if she's really this smiley all the time, and the answer is generally, yes. Like all of us, she has her cranky moments. There's the wet diaper and the overtired whine, the grimace whilst getting another spoonful of oatmeal shoved into her mouth. But for the most part, Phoebe loves to smile and laugh and giggle when you tickle her tummy or feet. She particularly likes to see herself in the mirror, always giving her reflection a big grin as if to say- wow, I AM cute! It is particularly wonderful to be one of the people she recognizes and knows. She always has a big smile for her grandparents, breaks out in a cheerful scream when she sees Jeff and nearly jumps up and down when Debbie stops by from next door. It's a fact, Phoebe loves to smile. Can she love it as much as we all do?

The Power of the Phoebe

They come from near and far to see her. She is quite a wonder to behold, that is true. But I think it's what she brings out in others that is so amazing. They can't help but be happy. They smile without thinking about it. They are soon silly and singing and sometimes, no, quite often, there is dancing. She's like a drug that way. Friends have been known to stop by and see her after they have had a hard day. Kids in particular have been drawn to her. We have had so many wonderful visitors. Many of them between 6 and 12 years old. It made me so happy to see her held by Emily Greenberg and Carly Lieberman and Ruby FIne and Alex Nadel. I thought of these girls as an American version of what she had back in the Vinh Phuc orphanage. Every day, I was told, older girls from the Orphanage would come to see the babies after school. They would play with them and think of them as little siblings. I can not imagine how sad they must have been to see Phoebe go to a new home so far away. The girls here who have come to visit (and lots of boys too) seem so taken with her, it's lovely. Tomas Greenberg said, "if she had a super power it would be to make people happy." He's 8. That's a pretty good review from an 8 year old boy.

Perhaps her early interaction with so many different people is one reason why Phoebe is such a social animal, a true party girl. What I have learned about her in these few months is that she thrives on people, it's what makes her happy. This past Sunday, her fabulous Grandparents hosted 40 odd people in their home to celebrate and welcome their new Grandchild. Many of their old friends were there, people who have watched me grow up and come to this moment. My father got choked up before he even started to address the crowd. His words about me and Phoebe were so touching. Not a dry eye in the house. David Woolfe performed a lovely ceremony, honoring her entry into the Jewish world and into my special family. Jane came into town for the occasion. She says she has a special kinship with this child, that they both came into our family in the same way. How lucky Phoebe is to have Jane for an Aunt. A true circle of the family is being completed. The power of the Phoebe was seen all over that party. She charmed everyone, laughed and smiled on cue, then crashed hard when we finally got home. I practically had to wrestle her down from the high of that party.

When James Worner showed up last week from Sydney, I knew Phoebe's power was real. When Alana started talking about moving back to New York, I knew that this child had a magnetism few could match. Lucky me, I get to be with her everyday. And even if I'm sleepless, if I hardly have time to write, if I have new aches and pains from being a new Mom, she makes it all worth it. Just one smile and it's all good.

The Last Great Happiness

I can't believe it has been almost a month since my last post. It has been a fairly sleepless month, but also one that saw Phoebe and I settling in to life at 10 East End. My girl was a great sleeper in Vietnam, so I am hopeful, that her system will eventually shift back into gear. She now sleeps about 5 straight hours from 10pm to maybe 4 or 5am. WIth hour naps on either sides, still getting about 8-9 hours of sleep-- just not all in a row. Sadly, for me, they don't feel cumulative when they are fractured by a crying baby and a late night feeding. But no matter, when that baby wakes up and smiles, all the rest (or lack thereof) fades away.

We live in cynical times. The world is a ridiculous mess, and our leaders are the ones mostly to blame. We are in the midst of the most interesting Presidential Campaign of my lifetime. A Woman, A Black man (well, multiracial), and a decent Republican, real Republicans love to hate. One is 46, one is 73. One was First Lady. One was a POW in Vietnam, the country where I found this amazing child. And so, in this messed up world, the only thing that renews your spirit is the face of a child smiling at you. Babies make people happy. I now see, every day, grown humans reverting to giggles and coos when they meet Phoebe. You can't help but smile when you see her- she is simply edible :)

Over this month, Phoebe has met dozens of people in our world. She met her Godmother Carol (now to be called TiTi) and Carol's parents too. She met Marni and Debbie, the Greenbergs and the Nadels and the volunteers at the Soup kitchen. She met the other Vietmoms who are waiting for their children to come home, and of course Diana and her daughter Liana who came from the same Orphanage in Vin Phuc. We wondered if Phoebe and Liana recognized eachother. She met lots of Yates and Birches. She went up to Vermont with my parents and Jeff and his son where she met Franci and Tom and Rabbi Novak and Yuval, Harvey and Janet, Morty and Anita, Cecile, Joanne, Matthew and so many more. Phoebe absolutely loved it. She gets a kick out of people. I sometimes fear I'm not entertaining enough for her by myself :)

Her Grand parents are clearly ga-ga (I think that's an official term). How nice it is for me and for Phoebe to have them right at the end of the block. Grammy sings to an adoring Phoebe (she particularly likes songs from Singin' in the Rain) and Grampy loves to lift her up to let her feel the air up there :) Some day soon, it will be warm again and we will be strolling on the boardwalk every day. We were out there the other day and I had a moment. I was stilling on a bench overlooking the East River. I could see the bridges and the buildings of Astoria. Phoebe was asleep in her stroller. It was then I realized that I am on the boardwalk as a Mother. I am now officially a baby person. I used to be a dog person, but I graduated. I hope to someday be an old person on this boardwalk, most likely, with a dog...

No rest for the weary

Yes, we are home. Back where we should be on East End Avenue in our lovely 1.5 bedroom apartment. The only problem is that Phoebe's body may be here, but her sleep schedule is still in Vietnam. She was such a good sleeper there. She took cat naps during the day and slept a good 7-8 hours at night. She made it easy on her poor new mom. Now she is wide away at 4am looking at me like I'm the crazy one. Last night we watched election returns from 22 States as I told her about what a unusual election this will be. For the first time ever, a woman, like her and a minority, like her will be the Democratic nominee for President of the United States. Phoebe doesn't know yet that the 22nd Amendment prohibits her from becoming president because she was not born here, but Secretary of State or Supreme Court Justice is not out of the question :)

The great new is, that some day, after she figures out to how to sleep when it's dark out, she can be whatever she wants to be, and that's pretty cool. And maybe someday, her Mom will get a good nights sleep again too.

Home at last!

So it's 3am. I'm not exactly sure what day. All I know is that I am home at East End Avenue with my baby and my man sleeping in the other room. I wish I could say the same for me, but since jet lag has gotten the better of me, I thought I'd fill in the last piece of my puzzle in traveling from Hanoi back home.

On my last day in Hanoi, I finally got the interview at the US embassy. They made me sweat it out to the last minute of business hours that day leaving me panicked that I would not get Phoebe's Visa stamped in time to fly out the next morning. When It finally came through, a wave of relief washed over me. I was done. Finally fucking done. Now all I needed to do was get this kid home. Somehow, I was going to have to fly for 24 hours with a 5 month old by myself from Hanoi to Hong Kong to JFK.

We made the 2 hour trip to Hong Kong without much problem. One flight down, one to go. I planned to meet my friend Punam in the airport in HK, only to find out at immigration that my 5 month old needed a Visa to enter Hong Kong. An hour later in the immigration office, they canceled my stamp and told me to just transit thru the airport. Bummer. I would really have liked to see Punam. She somehow managed to send a package to my boarding gate of a beautiful blanket for Phoebe. Thanks Punam!

My next misadventure was a bit more nerve wracking. I paid to use one of the lounges in the HK airport where you get food and use of the internet etc. The only problem was (bizarrely) they had no bathroom inside. So I asked some nice chinese guys to watch my stuff and ventured out down the hall with Phoebe in my arms. (yes, I have mastered going to the bathroom whilst holding the baby). When I got back, my black rolling case with nothing of value in it but ALL of Phoebe's documentation was gone. I went from 0-to-heart failure in 20 seconds flat. After asking everyone around in a ever widening panic, a nice Australian woman told me she thought she saw a little boy rolling a black case into the other room. There it was. Not stolen, just rolled away. I got Phoebe and our stuff together and headed out to our gate. Too freaked out to stop moving forward.

Believe it or not, the 15 hour flight from HK to JFK went fairly well. Thanks to Phoebe. When she was awake, she charmed everyone around us with her smile, then at about 2 hours past her regular bedtime, she went down into one of the bassinets provided by Cathay Pacific and was out for a good 8 hours. What a champ! We had a bit of turbulence- which scared the hell out of me- and an hour delay when we arrived on the runway in NYC. Another visit to Immigration with her paper work, another hour at baggage and then there were Jeff and my Dad waiting as we came through customs. What a vision they were!!! One more hour of traffic on the perpetually clogged Van Wyck Expressway (at midnight!) a stop up the block on East End to see Grandma who couldn't wait until the morning to kiss us both and we were home. How good it was to see my place- our place now- filled with notes and presents from friends and family. I can hardly believe I'm here as I write this. What a journey this has been.

The baby has no idea what time zone she's in- but that's to be expected. We're home, safe and happy and that's all that matters. Will write with more updates and post more pictures soon. Lots of Love to you all. xoxox nancy