Our Anniversary

I share my wedding anniversary with not one person, but two. October 14th, 2012 was the day that Jeff and Phoebe and I officially became a family. We made vows to love and listen to each other and we truly live those words every day. "How old were you when your parents got married?" Phoebe asked me the other day. Well, most people are not alive to see their parents get married. But our little girl was so much a part of the day, I can't think of our celebration without her. It was very much because of her that we decided to turn our committed 10 year relationship into an official, government sanctioned union. In the past year, we've paid our taxes together, we've worked on our official name changes- from Social security to birth certificates to passports. We are officially now the Yates Family, and so begins our adventure together.

This year has only strengthened what we had as a family. Our days are filled with love and caring and affection for each other. Even when we are apart, we think of each other through out the day, and are excited to be back together at the end of the day- together. We are so happy in our little home. Our son Michael is now going to college in the city and lives not too far away, so he is a regular presence in our orbit, giving us one more element of happiness. He and Justin made our wedding so special as they acted out their two lines from the Princess Bride to kick off our ceremony. Justin, with an impeccable sense of timing started with, "Marriage, that blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream..." and Michael followed perfectly with "Love, true love, is what brings us together today." At least half of those in attendance were cracking up. The rest, had to figure out what that was all about. For me, it was a highlight to a day that perfectly reflected who we are as a couple, and as a family.

So I guess this is as good a place as any to end this blog. It was originally designed as a place for a single Mom, adopting a baby from Vietnam to share her struggles and triumphs. How far we have both come from that chilly January day in Vietnam when we first hugged each other six years ago. I truly never want that hug to end. These words are for you, Phoebe. They were written so that you will know how those first precious years felt to me, and how much love there was for you every day since. Perhaps it's time to start a new blog as we start together on this next part of our lives. Now that you can read and are writing, perhaps you can share in the writing of our story. For now, just know that you are the spark that lit a flame of joyful fireworks in our lives. Sometimes, all we can do is sit back and enjoy the glow you bring.

Dear FA

Ever since Phoebe and I got home from visiting Jordan at Camp Forest Acres, we can't stop ourselves from singing camp songs. "We'll follow, the swallow, to the camp of all our dreams..." Forest Acres your girls are marching..." These infectious old songs, some of them more than 50 years old, have a way of sticking with you. Much like the camp itself, the songs are among the many traditions that FA keeps up that pulls girls back to their beautiful surroundings of Fryeburg, Maine year after year.

This time was particularly special because Jordan was in Log 1, had been voted to be one of the Green Team captains and, on our last night at camp, would get one of the highest honors the camp offers. How wonderful it was to see the natural leader Jordan has become. How the girls flocked to her, listened to her and looked up to her. She led her team with enthusiasm and pride- and even after a defeat at the sing, she was emotional, but also happy for her best friend's win on the Tan team.

At Friendship circle, all the songs and poems came back to me as if they had never left my brain. When Bert stood up with the glow of the fire behind her and called Jordan's name to join the White Pine circle, I was filled with such pride. The tears were unstoppable. What a deserving girl she is for such an honor.

As a parent, being back up to camp and having the privilege of staying in a cabin with Phoebe, I was able to see how much care goes into their philosophy. The girls, regardless of their fierce loyalty to their teams, showed so much love and care for each other. There is acceptance, respect and an abundance of affection. What a rare bubble to witness girls of such tender ages showing such kindness and love to their fellow campers of every shape, size and background. For a full 7 weeks, they truly do disconnect from our technology-tethered world and reconnect on a human level.

For Phoebe, camp was a chance at rare independence. In New York City, there are not many times she can go off by herself and find her way back. She checked in with me often, but also was able to find her way from the pool to our cabin to Tanglewood or Tip Top and back. She made fast friends with some of the youngest girls in Cabin 4 and even discovered the stables and made friends with the horses. Watching her wander around FA and connect with the girls was pure joy for this ex-camper. So many people asked Phoebe if she was ready for Rookie camp next year. For now, I think Phoebe likes being at camp with her Mom, but when she's ready, I know FA will embrace her. I know she will be cared for. I know she will learn and grow and maybe even become a leader like her big cousin.

When I asked Phoebe what the best part of camp was, without hesitation she said, "Being with Jordan." I am so grateful for this moment they shared and to know that camp will connect us all for years to come.

Here was one poem I had not remembered, but came back to me in an instant. It is read before the girls elected for unit honor come up to throw a pinecone in the fire.

"For lowly deeds,
for unkind thoughts,
for words so hastily spoken,
the burning of this pine cone is forgiveness,
our woodland token."

Vietnam Culture Camp

When I first heard about this 4-day camp, I wasn't sure it was for us. I thought Phoebe might be too young to absorb it all, and I didn't think we had the issues some people have of their child having no one in their school or town who looks like them. Boy, was I wrong. The camp was founded by a visionary Vietnamese American named Caroline Nguyen Ticarro-Parker founded. The main idea was to inspire connections between families and celebrate Vietnamese culture. Over one long weekend, their counselors–all teens and college students who were also adopted from Vietnam, treated the kids to games and activities. At the same time, the parents attended workshops (one was on DNA testing that was fascinating) and saw documentary films. The Teen panel was made up of middle school and high school students. They talked about their experiences of being adopted, finding birth parents, not wanting to find birth parents, the gamut. How amazing it was to see in their faces and picture how my child might be in 9 or 10 years. How enlightening it was to listen to their struggles and fears and triumphs. It was a small window into the future. It filled me with emotions and questions I had no idea I would have. In the evenings we participated the talent show (with our own rendition of a Pippin song) and attended a culture show where the kids got to dress up in traditional Vietnamese Aoi Dais and perform with their groups. They were all so beautiful in their vibrant colors.

Caroline uses these camps and the travel and volunteer projects she runs to fund her philanthropy– the Catalyst Foundation. (http://www.catalystfoundation.org/) They build schools in poverty stricken areas of Vietnam and have worked to curb the tide of human trafficking. Every year, they put together cultural tours of Vietnam with families from the U.S. The tours are designed to give families a safe and easy way to explore the country where their children were born. They help with side trips to your child's hometown and even help facilitate visits with birth families, should you and your child be interested in uncovering and discovering that part of their lives. It was a lot to take in. I don't know how Phoebe will feel about that part of her identity. As a parent, I just want to be armed with as much information as I can offer her. I have always wanted to take her back to Vietnam, and we have talked about it a bit. Now, I feel like I have a great resource to take our family to explore that part of her that only lasted for 5 months, but is written on her face and in her heart forever.

As for Phoebe, she seemed to really love being around all these kids – especially the bigger girls. She has already told me that she wants to go back next year. When we came home, she played back a lot of parts of the weekend to her Dad and brother over dinner. She even met a girl at camp who lives only 7 blocks away and is in her day camp at Asphalt Green. Overall, it was just an amazing experience. We met so many wonderful families. We even had a reunion of 6 kids who had all been adopted from the Vinh Phuc orphanage– three teenagers and three 6 year olds. Now that the program is closed to Americans, it will be interesting to see how this program develops over the next decade. Caroline says she already has a plan for these kids with leadership camps and volunteer opportunities. I hope we find ways to stay involved and keep learning about the culture that brought us our incredible Phoebe.

Kindergarten. Done.

Hard to believe Phoebe's first year of school is already over. She started at one school and finished at another. I thought the transition would be devastating for her, but it wasn't. She loved the friends she made at P.S. 158, but she also worked really hard at finding her way into a new group of friends at Lower Lab. By the end of the school year, she found new best friends and maybe even a potential husband! (Even tho' Teja told her he's not ready to get married. Phew!) Getting into Lower Lab was beyond lucky. The teaching staff, the program, the parents and the school culture will put Phoebe on track for great success in the future. Phoebe got top scores on her teacher evaluations and they all said what a smart and flexible and pleasurable girl she was to have in their class. We are so very proud of our girl. Next stop, first grade.

Graduation Day

Last day of K-106 with Ms. Liz & Ms. Chanel

Movie night with Teja

International night with Gabi and Lillian

School Sing

Triplet Day with Gabi and Ariana

Back to Cali

The last time we were in California- Phoebe was not yet 3 years old. This time, she's a kindergartener who loved being on a plane and was a trooper of a traveler. (actually, she's been that since the very first trip we took back from Vietnam). We started the trip off in San Diego as guests of the Cortese family. Phoebe had fun playing with the big kids and running around their house together. Brooke & Talia took us to Sea World and helped us see all there was to offer in the world of seals, walruses, dolphins and whales. From there, we drove north and spent an afternoon with our Kaplan cousins- Will, Elana, Harper & Lucy at Disneyland. We made sure to hit the small world ride, the kiddie roller coaster, a Nemo submarine ride and the highlight- the Disney parade of all our favorite characters. It was a little crowded for Mom's taste- but Phoebe had a great time. From there, we spent a night at the beautiful home of the Shevins in Manhattan Beach and then headed to the Valley to spend Passover with the family. Jimmy, Joi, Chloe and Jordan hosted a family filled affair with fun puppets for the kids to enjoy the Seder. We even brought Grammy & Grammy into the party by linking them in on Face-Time! They got to watch the whole thing from their winter home in Florida. From there, we were hosted by the Schwartz-Susskind clan: Lori, Scott and 3-year-old Sadie in their warm home in Sherman Oaks- with a little house to ourselves. (sweet!) Jeff got to spend some time with Justin and a day at the beach with his friend Shep and I got to visit the Huntington Gardens in Pasadena with my sweet friend Maha and his 4-year-old son Tenoch. We spent our last day and night back in Venice beach enjoying the funky atmosphere and the warm breezes. At night we were invited for a delicous grilled dinner at the home of Justin's friends, Jason & Aimee. We had such a nice time, we are looking forward to going back again next year.

Big Week

After years of being happily unmarried, Phoebe's Mom & Dad decided it was time to make it official. In the weeks leading up to the wedding, friends were arriving from all corners of the world- James & Scott from Sydney, Punam from Hong Kong, Brooke from San Diego, Stef from San Francisco. There was a festive feeling around us. It was so exciting to have all these people traveling all this way just for us. It made me feel so happy and so loved. On Friday morning, we got a call that would add another crazy celebration to the weekend. Phoebe had been given a late placement to the gifted & talented citywide school called the Lower Lab. After six weeks at P.S. 158, all settled in with new friends and new teachers, we had assumed that while she had made the list of top kids who were eligible, she had not made the cut in the lottery. All that changed with one call. I was in a panic thinking about all we had to do right in the midst of getting married. Friends (and Jeff) told me to try to put it away for the weekend, and I did try, but underneath I knew that this would be a big week for our whole family. Phoebe and I stayed at the Bryant Park Hotel the night before the wedding with Alana having a little girl's night before the big day. We got up early, I had my hair and makeup done and we walked across the street to the Bryant Park Grill to meet Jeff and Justin, Michael, Aunt Jane, Chloe and Jordan for our wedding party pictures. Phoebe, the cutest flower girl ever, was not quite sure she wanted to participate in all the festivities. But by the time we got up to the roof of the grill, she had her friend Sammie by her side helping her putting down the flower petals on the aisle. With Grampa Bob officiating, it was a family affair to remember. The sun broke through as if on cue, and the wedding proceeded without a hitch. Justin and Michael spoke the first words, some of our favorite lines from "The Princess Bride" and the crowd erupted in laughter. A tear or two were shed when Phoebe got called up to get a special ring from her dad as he promised to love, protect and listen to her. Phoebe too said some words in return: Daddy, I promise to love you to listen to you and to always have fun with you. It was such a special moment for all of us. The party was filled with fun dancing, lovely speeches from Bob, Jimmy, Bill, Linda and Justin. Everyone seemed to have a great time mingling and taking silly pictures with Bob's hats and Uncle Chip's mustaches at the photo booth. Before we knew it, the day was wrapping up and people were heading out with kisses and warm wishes. Phoebe went home with Grammy & Gramps, Aunt Jane and Whitey while the happy couple stayed at the hotel for a honeymoon night. The next day we were packing up, dropping our stuff at home and heading up to The Lower Lab to sign Phoebe up for her new school. It's a wonderful community with some very special kids. Phoebe had a going away party at P.S. 158 on Wednesday and started at the Lab on Thursday. She is such a resilient and strong girl, making friends and participating from the first day. Over the weekend, she had a few tears over missing friends and her teachers at 158, which is certainly natural. But when we were feeling blue, we got up, headed over to John Jay Park, and instantly ran into friends from her old class, her new class and even her ballet class. We are so lucky to be surrounded by friends on all sides, living in a community that welcomes us and embraces us. We are now officially, Phoebe, Nancy & Jeff Yates. A true family, as we always have been in our hearts, moving on to a new beginning and a new adventure for all of us.

Things I learned at camp

For the first time this summer, Phoebe was signed up for an all day camp called Asphalt Green. It is located right at the top of East End Avenue and it went for a full day from 8:15am to 4:30 in the afternoon. No small task for a little person about to turn 5. But it was an amazing summer and worked out so well for all of us. Especially Phoebe. Every day, we started our day walking up the block to the bus. Phoebe got to ride the big yellow bus 10 blocks up to camp every day with her friends and counselors, feeling like a really big kid in the process. I would stand there, waving goodbye to my little girl, who seemed to be growing into her new life so very fast.At camp she had swimming almost every day, learned about baseball, soccer, tennis, karate, yoga and basketball. Each week, she got to go on a field trip to great New York area places like the Bronx Zoo, Brooklyn Children's Museum, Coney Island Aquarium and Victoria Gardens in Central Park. We got wonderful reports from her counselors that she was a great kid to work with, fun and well behaved. We are so proud that she's doing so well out there in the world with out us.

Phoebe also learned a few other things at camp this summer.She came home saying "like" in every sentence.(like a teenager might) For example, "Joanna is like so allergic to chocolate her Mom has to give her like pills for it." Another funny thing that cracked us up: "Chloe wasn't at camp today. Her family went to the Han-tins" Okay, so now Phoebe knows there's a place people go called "The Hamptons." I'm just happy she doesn't really know how to say it just yet. All in all. It was an amazing summer for our little person. Turning 5 and taking on the world in her very own way.

Last Day of Pre-K

June 6, 2012 Today is the day Phoebe finishes Pre-school. Two years at All Souls have come and gone in a flash. She started just after she turned 3, not shy, but not exactly sure she wanted to be separated from Mom and Dad for most of the day. Now, on the cusp of 5, Phoebe is confident and truly enriched by the days she spent with the teachers and students of All Souls Pre-School.We still have our separation issues in the mornings. We take a moment each day to read a book together before I rush off to the subway on my way to work. We still have our ritual good by with our special hand signal to each other. She's still a little kid, but one I feel is really on the cusp of so many big kid things. Her language skills are amazing. Her ability to understand complex problems always astounds us. Her art work is beautiful, complicated and always interesting to look at.Phoebe has made some great friends; Rafa, Eva and Will, Dylan and Sofia, just to name a few. Some will join her at P.S. 158 next year, some will go on to various public or private schools around the city and some will spend another year inside the safe and familiar All Souls walls. For now, it's Phoebe's time to move on towards the future. I'm so very proud of all she's done and all she's become. I just can't believe this moment as a pre-schooler has come to an end. Phoebe may be moving on, but Mama's still in denial.

Oh Mexico

Our first family outing to a vacation destination was a sunny success. Jeff and I had traveled to Cancun a couple of years ago on our own, but this time we had two families in tow. Carol and I have traveled to many far flung places together, but this was our first adventure with the girls. It turned out to be a great getaway for everyone. The girls went to a kids club on site after breakfast, and we usually picked them up by lunchtime. They had a great time doing crafts and feeding iguanas, while the parents crashed out on beach chairs, caught up on reading and much needed sleep. The kids club also offered a 'pajama' party during the week where the kids got to run around a carpeted conference room in the hotel, order dinner and watch movies. We got to go out and eat like adults at seaside restaurants, breathing in freedom of parents on the loose. A lovely time was had by all, not even spoiled by 2 hours at JFK immigration on the way back. Now it's time to start dreaming about the next trip!

Smarty Pants!

Every parent thinks their child is a genius. We all have our moments of boasting and bragging about how our child learned their numbers or colors or shapes. How they said something super sophisticated. How they seemed to understand complex situations. I have always believed all these things about Phoebe. My friends Debbie & Dan have often joked that they probably got her birth date wrong in Vietnam and she's really much older. Not so, but it does sometimes feel that my 4 year old is going on 14.

As we approached the next phase of her school life, we decided that we would not spend 30k or more a year on private school, but go for public school, and do our best to get into one of the gifted programs around the city. We are lucky to have a good school in our neighborhood and have been excited talking to the kids and families about joining them at P.S. 158 in the fall. We took the G&T testing more for the experience of testing than thinking we would be one of the few to score high enough for the specialized programs. We decided not to do any prep classes, but to just keep reading to our girl and doing puzzle books and brain quest on car rides. The day of the test, Phoebe seemed to have fun with her teacher. She came out with drawings and stories, one of the last to appear. And that was it.

Last night, we were informed that the scores had been posted. When I saw that she had gotten in the 99th percentile I just screamed with excitement and overflowed with pride. Now a new process begins. I have learned that over 900 kids in NYC have gotten into that 99%, so there are no guarantees that we will get into our chosen school. For now, we're just happy that it expands our options and gives my little smarty pants a chance at a better education.

City Girl

Much like our beloved literary friend Eloise at the Plaza, Phoebe is a city child. In the past month, she has been to the Plaza Hotel 3 times! These pictures were from our friend Michaela's birthday. Phoebe got to dress up for a fashion show, have pink cupcakes and spend time in Eloise's living room. When we were done, we decided to take a ride through central park in a horse drawn carriage. Our horse's name was Hudson. he clip-clopped through the park on a crisp late winter day, while his passengers enjoyed every minute. I love the city I live in, especially when I get to feel like a tourist doing some of the wonderful things visitors do here every day. Doing them with Phoebe made it all the more wonderful.

Our little skier

This Xmas break, the ski conditions were awful. It had snowed very little and much of the mountain was only barely covered with man-made snow. That did not deter our Phoebe from getting out on the slopes for her first 2 days of ski school. Even with the temperatures dropping, Phoebe was intrepid, getting out on the slopes for a full day of ski school. After one day on skis, she was able to step on the "magic carpet" and take it to the top of the hill. She learned to stop and go with skis pointed straight and together. She really seemed to have fun being a big kid on skis. Both Jeff and I took ski lessons at Bromley, so now the next generation steps up to learn a great winter sport. I guess this means I will have to get back on skis myself one of these days. For my Phee, I will brave the cold and try to remember how much fun it is to glide on snow. Can't wait 'til we can enjoy an afternoon at Bromley together.

ChrismaHannakahKwanza

It's hard to believe that' its been two months since I was able to post anything. It's been a sad reality that work has taken too much of my time away from the little things. But now it's Holiday time and life turns towards time off with family. Phoebe was so excited to get our little Xmas tree for our house this year. It sits right next her wooden Menorah that seems to hold equal fascination for her at this moment. I love that our Vietnamese, Jewish Princess has so many things to celebrate. When we took out the ornaments for the tree with her Dad, I could see that this holiday holds so much nostalgia and sentimentality for so many of us. I am just happy to celebrate the season with our little family. We are so lucky in so many ways.

School begins

At last! The summer has come to an end and Phoebe's 2nd year of school at All Souls has begun. It feels so different than last year. Our girl is now in a morning class. We take the bus together and I get to drop Phee at school on my way to work. Phoebe has no hesitations about her learning environment. She's in a new class, with new teachers (Susan, Nikki and Jackie) and yet she is unfazed and ready to be a part of it. At open school night, the teachers told us that Phoebe is a pleasure (of course) so nice to other kids and inclusive in her play, (so nice to hear) and one teacher even told us that in all her years of teaching she has never encountered a student like Phoebe. One day, when Phee was waiting to be picked up, she asked her teacher to sit down next to her. Then she proceeded to ask her teacher what she liked to do when she was at home. Not the typical question from typically solipsistic 4 year olds. We are so proud of our Phoebe and just so happy to hear that she is her best self at school; fun, engaged, kind and great to have around. That's our girl!